When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a writer. I dreamed of being a published author and writing books that would change society as we know it today!
Fortunately, I was blessed with my 7th grade English teacher, Mrs. Tittle, who sacrificed many a lunch period to read my stories and give me feedback.
Becoming an author was definitely in my heart.
As I grew older and people would ask me what I wanted to be, however, I began to change my answer. You see, when I told people I wanted to be a writer, they looked shocked, or disappointed, or would even chuckle at the thought because becoming an author isn’t something that everyone can support themselves by doing.
So over time, I began to stuff down my desire to be a writer and started telling people I wanted to be a lawyer instead. I even convinced myself that I wanted to become a lawyer.
So, writer was out and lawyer was in. I thought I wanted to become a lawyer for years and years until I went off to college.
Then, when my dad asked me what I wanted to major in I told him I really wanted to be a writer. He said it was fine to study writing, but I needed to at least get a minor in something solid that I could fall back on for getting a job.
So I majored in writing and minored in computer science. My first real job after college was as a technical writer but after that job fizzled out, I went on to make a good living in the computer industry as a network administrator.
Sometimes in my twenties when I thought about going back to school to get my law degree, but every time I thought about it, I thought about how much money and time I would have to spend going to law school. And I knew that someday if I was blessed enough to get married and have kids I’d want to quit my job and stay home with them, so I never pursued that goal.
Was the advice my dad gave me the best advice? It did help me to get a job. But, did it keep me from pursuing what was actually in my heart?
What’s in Your Son’s Heart?
Fast forward several years to when I was married with two sons who were in their early teens. I had gone upstairs to tuck one of my sons into bed, which quite often becomes a time when we’re able to have some nice, heart-to-heart talks.
My son told me that he wanted to become an actor.
This was coming from the son who used to be so shy that he had to whisper his Awana verses into his teacher’s ear because of his fear to say them in front of the whole class. An actor?
Not only that, he said that he felt like God wanted him to become a Hollywood actor in blockbuster movies. He said that he was going to make a lot of money and he was supposed to use that money to help lots and lots of people.
He was extremely emotional as he was talking to me. It was clear that this meant a great deal to him.
So I tried to swallow my surprise.
I told him I didn’t know anything about acting, but we would figure out what he should do and take the first step. The fact that I was open to what he was saying allowed him to feel comfortable talking to me and telling me more of what was in his heart.
It was an amazing experience.
I haven’t always been the best at hearing what’s on my sons’ hearts.
Unfortunately, there were several times when my older son told me that he’d like to become a professional baseball player or possibly a sports commentator and I wasn’t as supportive. I didn’t completely shoot down his ideas but I remember telling him that there aren’t very many people who are good enough to become professional ball players and that sports commentators are usually ex-players.
My words weren’t supportive. I was unintentionally discouraging his dreams.
And I didn’t make any effort to try to help him take steps toward those dreams, either.
My younger son is definitely benefiting from some of the prior mistakes I made with his older brother.
Here are 5 Ways to Find Out What’s in Your Son’s Heart:
1 – Be in Prayer
This is the most important thing you can do for your children. Ask God to tell you what He would have for them.
Ask Him what He wants you to teach them. Ask Him to show you how He wants them to fit into His big plan.
Ask God to help you hear His voice as you’re discipling your children.
2 – Be Willing to Listen
You need to listen to them even if what you’re hearing doesn’t make sense to you, seems unrealistic, or is downright scary. Believe me, I’ve learned this one the hard way.
It doesn’t do our children any good to be their dream wreckers. As they mature, their dreams will naturally be sifted by reality.
Much more positive results will happen when our kids feel that we believe in them and are eager to support them.
3 – Be Willing to Help
Our kids need our help in determining a plan of action. What do they need to learn in order to pursue their dreams?
What resources exist in your area which could help them? Are there any mentors you could find for them in their area of interest?
4 – Be Willing to Accommodate Them
Are there things you could teach them as part of their homeschooling? Are there ways you could make pursuing their dreams more attainable by being flexible with homeschool hours or subjects?
Are you willing to do the driving or the volunteering to help them make their dreams a reality?
5 – Be Encouraging
If your child has a huge dream, don’t feel you need to poke holes in it so that they will see reality. Help them to go for it.
If God has given our children dreams, who are we to say that they aren’t possible? With God, everything is possible!
We once had a situation with our oldest son where he respectfully came to me and said he didn’t want to be involved in an activity which we had signed up AND PAID FOR several months earlier. He told me his reasons why and we had an excellent discussion about it.
What he was telling me wasn’t what I wanted to hear. I felt that this activity would be good for him.
And truth be told, I was also looking forward to getting to know the moms at this activity better as well.
However, my husband and I discussed it and we felt we needed to listen to our son this time. Even though we didn’t agree with him, we wanted to show him we cared about what was in his heart.
It was hard for us to give up the money we had already spent, the possibility of relationships with like-minded moms, and the useful skills we thought he would learn, but our relationship with our son is more important than any of those things.
It’s definitely possible to find out what’s going on in your son’s heart and to develop a closer relationship with him. You should know there is often a personal price to pay.
We need to let go of our own expectations, but it’s definitely worth it.
I can’t tell you how much more willing our son has been to open up to us since we were willing to respect his feelings and listen to what he valued most.
By the way, soon after the above incident, my husband and I were talking about what we had always wanted to be when we were kids and I talked about wanting to be a writer. My husband said, “You do realize that you are a writer now, don’t you?!?”
It took a minute for that to sink in. I am a writer.
I have realized my childhood dream – no matter how farfetched had seemed at the time. I guess that just goes to show that childhood dreams can come true – for us as well as for our sons!
QUESTION: Has your son been willing to tell you what’s in his heart? Do you have any other tips you could share that have helped you develop a trusting relationship with your son? Do you have expectations you need to let go? Please leave a comment below.
So what do you do if they don’t want to go to college and would rather participate in a training online that you have no idea will be of value? I can feel good about paying for a college course, but not so much for an online course. The reason being, this child is an introvert and really needs to be with other people and this is the only way they will do it.
I’ve actually been thinking about this type of thing a lot, Debi, in regards to my own boys. I used to think that they HAD to go to college in order to be successful – and now I’m open to the idea of them attending a trade school or becoming an entrepreneur or something else.
I don’t know the details of your situation but I would definitely pray about it. And talk to your son so that he understands where you’re coming from. But be sure you also listen to where he is coming from as well. Don’t make a final decision until you feel like you’re doing what God wants you to do for your son.
You might also be interested in reading this blog post I wrote back in June with tips for handling our introverted kids: https://www.homeschool-your-boys.com/self-smart-child/
I hope this helps!
Hi Debi,
I just wanted to say as a fellow introvert we love that time to ourselves and it helps us to be nice when out and about. 🙂 Being in a traditional school was incredibly stressful for me and I was incredibly depressed my freshman year. Eventually, I moved back home and attended an evening/weekends program where the focus was on the academics vs. socializing. I also worked during that time and found that being able to visit with co-workers and retreat to my cubicle was a great fit. Ultimately, I wasable to graduate early. I now homeschool my boys, but I am grateful I was able to find a situation that worked with my personality. I wish you and your family the best!
Thanks for sharing that, Amy! 🙂
You might want to read about being an introvert. Additionally, help your son understand that it is okay to be who he is and that he does not need to meet your expectations or those of society to be okay. Introverts truly do not need other people that much to be happy but need to accept themselves.
Good point, JR! Thanks. 🙂
If your son feels more confident with online schooling, you might let him try it for awhile. He might flourish in that environment.
As an introvert myself, I know that alone time makes social interactions so much easier. Introverts are drained by social situations, while extroverts are powered by them. We need small, or even long, moments to our self to recharge.
You love your son, that much is certain, or you wouldn’t be worried about him. You will find what works and in the end, the journey you take together will be very rewarding. For both of you.
My oldest son joined Cubs and then Scouts years ago. The other kids joined too and we become deeply involved in the committee and fundraising activities. Lots of people depended on us. Then he wanted to leave Scouts. He hated it. We fought him about it – partly because it was his only social interaction and outside activity but also because we didn’t want to let down the people we were involved with. But eventually, we let go and told him, yes, he could leave if he wanted to. Less than an hour later, he’d decided he wanted to stay after all! Now he’s a patrol leader and working towards his Springbok badge. Just letting go and giving him the space to make his own choice enabled him to see the positive in what he was involved in instead of holding him fast according to our control.
Yes, good insight, Kathy! It can be so hard to walk that tightrope as a parent. Sometimes we do need to decide for them. Sometimes we don’t. Sounds like you did exactly the right thing for your son by letting him choose in that situation. So glad it worked out for him. Thanks for sharing your encouraging example! 🙂
Love this! Thank you. Our oldest is 11, and he and his 9 yr old brother have lots of big dreams. This was a great reminder to me that how I respond to them when they casually mention these things is really important.
I’m glad it spoke to you, Angela. Yes, our reactions are so important! BTW – I just read the latest post on your blog and I loved it. Love the way you compared homeschooling to being on a roller coaster!
As a suggestion, nothing more, I’d recommend backstage.com as a good place to start for learning about acting and auditions and things like that. 🙂 Best hopes for your son; may he ultimately succeed if that is what he is meant to do!
Thanks, Rachael, I haven’t heard of that site before. I’ll have to check it out. Yeah, I don’t know if that’s really what God wants him to do or if He just wants him to develop these skills for some other reason… But I guess we’ll find out. 🙂
What’s neat is how God pieces all those things we thought may not make any sense into what He designed. I think acting would stretch him. You never know. 🙂
Acting really did stretch this son. We had several years where he acted in various productions and it was so much fun to see him up there on stage. God is so good!
I guess I have a question that is a little different. You mentioned that your younger son benefits from learned mistakes you did with older son… I kind of have the same situation and I feel that it is unfair to my older son , probably because I was the oldest as well. Any ideas how to make life more fair?..
Ha, I wish I knew how to make life fair. I was also the oldest and so was my husband. You know how they say that the first born is sort of the experimental child… Unfortunately, all kids are different and there aren’t specific instructions for raising each of them.
I think the biggest thing is that parents tend to be more uptight and rigid with older children and we tend to relax a bit with the younger ones… My boys are close in age and I still feel like they’re receiving a slightly different experience in parenting.
My parents always told me that life wasn’t fair… and now that I’m on the other side of the coin I can see why… it’s just impossible to do things the same way with everyone. Hopefully we learn as we go along and all of the kids will benefit. 🙂
I am recalling my own childhood. I’m not a boy but this concept would work for girls too. My parents started a swine 4-H club and bought a lot of equipment for raising the pigs. I did pig 4-H for 8 years. 8 YEARS!! And at the start of the year, I always wanted to tell my parents that I didn’t want to do it again. But I felt full of guilt that they had spent all that money on equipment. Plus, I thought they would feel shame if their own daughter dropped out of the club. In hind sight, it did feel like a big waste of my time and energy. I think I should have focused more time on developing an art portfolio, learning more advanced sewing skills and learning how to work a job. But instead, the activities that I was interested in had to share the days with pig farming. I should have respectfully confronted my parents. I was so quiet though. Wise parents will take the time to listen to their kids dreams and interests.
Oh yes, this is important for girls as well as boys. Wow, 8 years is a long time to focus on pigs when it isn’t one of your interests. 🙁 And you’re right – if we are wise, we must take the time to listen to our kids dreams. I hope you’ve been able to focus on your art and sewing since that time.
I think that goes into expectations, too. What others see of us. I actually struggle with this, too. But with my so, he is naturally lazy and fights on everything, and so I am really praying I am not crushing him. We have been going to co-op but he doesn’t like it. Mostly because there is actual work with it. We have been going to another gym co-op and he is loving it. My husband has decided to send him to school next year. It’s hard but I have surrendered it into God’s hands. I have four others beside him and am praying I hear all their hearts. This parenting thing is hard but so full of of grace.
Yes, thank goodness for grace. God will definitely get you through this. Just keep praying and He will continue to lead you and your husband with what the best path will be for your son. It’ll be alright! Hang in there. 🙂
This is such a good post. My boys are still VERY little, just 2 and 4 years old. At this age, I’m simply parroting the line of “you can do anything you want to do when you grow up!” and putting my older son in activities to broaden his horizons.
As of now, he’s only been in martial arts since January and tee ball for a month, and I’m not willing to let him quit yet. When he insists he doesn’t want to go, I’m mean and make him. 😉 Every single time he has a fabulous experience and comes up to me afterwards, happy to have participated. But he’s 4. He changes his mind hourly about some things!
As he gets older and starts to show less…fickleness, I suppose, I’ll be more than happy to institute a “try it for X amount of time and then if you don’t like it, we will find something else”.
Right now it’s a balance between what I know he needs, what I understand about his personality, his age, and our desire to encourage our kids to be brave and show fortitude.
Eventually, I hope we will transition to how my parents handled my big hopes and dreams. Once I found the things I loved, my parents were 100% supportive of all efforts to excel at those activities. When I posited a future career, they would say something supportive, then help me outline the potential pitfalls and roadblocks I might encounter on that pursuit to help me figure out how to overcome them.
Funnily enough, absolutely NONE of those childhood dreams became things I was interested in pursuing as an adult, but the “sure, I can do that! How do I make it work?” Attitude my parents instilled has been very useful in a million ways beyond wanting to be an astronaut. 😉
Thanks for making me consciously think about this!
Great post. Your humility in sharing your mistakes so openly is a blessing to us, helping us learn from the wisdom you’ve gained.
I think that it is helpful to listen to the why as well as the what the child wants to do. For example, my oldest boy told me at eight years old that he wanted to be a pirate. Not a viable career choice, but we identified that the appeal lay in the ships. So we discussed Coast Guard instead as another way to see the world in ships, and now he has his eye on the Coast Guard Academy.
On the flip side, when they want to quit something, same thing, why? What could be the problem? For example, when i was a kid, i wanted to quit piano lessons. My dad went with me to a lesson and talked with my teacher about finding songs I’d like to play. She was great about it and i went on to minor in music, picking up percussion along the way and playing in bands, drumline, orchestras, symphonies, and church choir, where i met my husband, a guitarist. My life would have taken a drastically different trajectory had i just quit.
Also, if a kid insists on quitting something, finding out why could be of enormous importance, as there could be abuse, or bullying, or something awful going on.
I love that, TJ!!! Excellent point. 🙂