Have you ever had your kids try to get your attention while you’re looking at your phone?
Sometimes my boys talk to me while I’m in the middle of something I think I’m listening. But after their voice stops and they’re waiting for an answer, I realize I have NO IDEA what they just said to me.
Homeschool moms are busy. We are the queens of multitasking! We are forced to learn how to do many things at the same time.
We can listen to one child while making breakfast, planning a lesson, and throwing another load of dishes into the dishwasher–all at the same time. Unfortunately, our ability to multitask can make our sons feel like we don’t value them enough to stop what we’re doing and really listen to them.
There are several ways that we can cause problems by the way we listen (or don’t listen) to our sons.
The first way we do this is by not fully listening to them in the first place.
Our men in training deeply desire our love and respect. When we continue doing what we’re doing and just throw half an ear their way, they don’t feel loved or respected.
When boys don’t feel respected, they have a tendency to speak to us in a way that sounds disrespectful.
This can spiral downward with our words getting more and more unkind and can often turn into something that Emerson Eggerichs, author of “Love and Respect in the Family” would call the Family Crazy Cycle. The Family Crazy Cycle is not a happy place to find ourselves.
Exchanging harsh words with our kids is not only frustrating – it’s also exhausting.
When we find ourselves in this type of situations, we need to ask ourselves three questions:
- Is my child feeling unloved?
- Am I feeling disrespected?
- How will I parent God’s way regardless of how I’m currently feeling?
We are the parents, and we need to take responsibility for defusing the bombs in our child’s heart rather than detonating them. We need to guard against saying or doing anything that will cause our kids to lose heart or to become deflated.
Slow down and try to decode what’s actually happening in your child’s heart.
Kids live in the moment. They don’t start trying to devise ways to make us upset from the moment they wake up in the morning. Give him the benefit of the doubt.
The second way that we can cause problems by the way we listen to our sons is by listening to respond, rather than listening to hear.
Unfortunately, I’m guilty of this. The whole time my sons are talking to me, I find myself thinking of what I’m going to say back to them rather than actually hearing what they’re trying to say. I do this when my husband is talking to me as well.
Again, it’s important to try to decode what our sons are trying to say to us. What is the message they’re trying to get through?
Even if it’s said clumsily, it is our job to try to make sense of what they’re saying.
Sometimes, boys say one thing when they really mean another. “You don’t love me!” can actually mean, “I’m feeling unloved. Please reassure me that you love me.”
When we feel accused of not loving our own child, our explosive response can have the opposite effect of what we intend. We are surprised and try to defend ourselves and it comes across to our son that we don’t love them or at the very least that we’re angry with them.
The next time your son wants to talk to you, here are five important tips for listening to your child:
- Stop what you’re doing
- Give them your full attention – use good eye contact
- Listen to hear, not to respond
- Try to decode what’s going on in their heart, regardless of the actual words they use – allow for imperfections
- Respond to your son in a way that will reassure him of your love
If you start listening to your son in this way, he will feel more loved and respected – and will be more likely to show you love and respect when he communicates with you as well.
This technique will do a lot for your relationship as well as to increase the happiness in your home. Plus, it will help train our sons how to listen respectfully to others as well.
QUESTION: Have you found any other tips for listening to your kids that you could share? I’d love to hear from you. Please leave a comment below.
Just what I needed to hear today! Thanks for your posts. As a mommy of two boys I find them very encouraging.
Thank-you! That is good to hear. 🙂
I think I have definitely been battling more with my oldest son. He is 10 and sometimes I feel like he is deliberately trying to do the opposite of what I say. But instead of guiding in a loving way, I think I have been striking more out with my words. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder. I will need to look up that book you mentioned. I think I may need it at some point to remind me. That and maybe borrow the original “Love and Respect” book out. Thanks for sharing!
You’re welcome! Yes, your son is about the age when he’s going to start doing the opposite of what you say. My boys have done that same thing at that age. So far, I’ve found that ages 10-13 are the hardest with boys. My oldest came out of that at age 14 and this past year with him was AMAZING. He was my right-hand man and helped me to reason with my younger son… I hear you on striking out with your words. It’s so hard to stay in control when your son is lashing out at you. Hang in there! It does get better!
Maybe this post will help you as well: 5 Ways to Thrive During Difficult Parenting Stages (hugs)
Thank you so much for the encouragement. I have an 11-year-old who is driving me CRAZY! It doesn’t help that he is being raised in an unhealthy marriage situation. I love these questions:
“Is my child feeling unloved?”
“Am I feeling disrespected?”
“How will I parent God’s way regardless of how I’m currently feeling?”
I need to put these on an index card and carry it around with me.
You’re welcome, Teresa. I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time – but so glad I was able to help to encourage you! (hugs)
Always encourage your child to talk to you so that they can tell you what they’re feeling and thinking and always listen and respond in a sensitive way to all kinds of things. So that they will share with you everything.
Oh, how I can relate to each of these points! And when I really stop and ponder each, I can see different needs and areas to work on in each of our sons. They are all so unique. God is so Wonder! Thank you for sharing this.
My tip (that I am working to implement myself) is: put down your phone!
These day, I find that my phone is often in my hand. (I’m checking email, or looking up a dinner recipe on pinterest, or responding to a friend’s text, etc.) When I listen to my boys with my phone in my hand, it gives the impression that I’m waiting for them to finish so I can get back to my screen.
Now, I purposely place my phone face-down on the counter (or wherever) and I turn toward my son and look him in the eye.
If the phone makes a sound, I purposely ignore it until the conversation is completely finished.
Seems like a no-brainer, but it can be a real struggle these days to “be fully present” with my sons, and show them that I value them above whatever is coming through my phone.
Excellent advice, Kristy. And definitely something we would be wise to implement in our homes.